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Monday, December 21st, 2009


Subject:The great tragedy of death
Time:8:20 pm.
is having to wait your whole life for it.

Friday, October 5th, 2007


Subject:More rambling....
Time:4:28 pm.
These past few days have been some of the most intense of my life for examining myself and my internal mechanisms. A lot of very bad things, guilt and problems, and unresolved anger that has been such an underlying cause for my mental methodology. I know and admit I have hurt a lot of people on my road of blinding adhering to my own stubbornness and anger over the years. I have acted in ways that seem irrational to others, and even uncaring. In truth I have acted those ways because I thought I was acting in ways there were either caring, or in ways that I felt best protected myself from hurt.

I think back periodically to the post I made here years ago. One of the three I remember vividly of those I put up here, about my mother and equating her to a spider like infestation in to peoples lives. My opinion hasn’t changed, if anything my resolve on the opinion is stronger, as she continues to wage her little wars and games, even against me at times despite my having crossed to the furthest corners of the states, three continents, and countless countries. While I consider a very important apex to the problems I had growing up, there is so spare of blame to pass around to a slew of other parties, including my father, siblings, step family, grandparents, and everyone else who expressed their relationships with each other in the form of anger, hate, manipulation, money, and warfare. Its funny, because you’d think given the poverty of the family, there would be more important concerns, but even as I say that I look at how much emphasis I put on my own pride and stubbornness over the years even at the expense of so many others. I know the final blame for my choices in life remain my own. My choices and actions while confusing to others made sense to me, because my decision making process is fractured from the start. Its like telling someone to solve calculus problems after teaching them that 1 + 1 = 3. No matter how hard they try, or how close they come, the answers will never make sense to other people.

I wonder now what I hate my family for more. It used to be for not giving me the childhood others had, a childhood where at least one person cared. It has been so long since it all happened it is dreamlike now, and I find myself now suddenly refreshed in my anger for realizing that perhaps more tragically then loosing your childhood, is having your adulthood set up for failure from the start of it as a result of your childhood. You escape their clutches, thinking that being free from them will allow you to put everything right and finally find happiness, but you carry with you a dark seed that festers and grows to infect every thing you do. I feel I have let this grow in me so long, I have ruined a lifetime of decisions for myself, and for others that I have crossed or entangled in my life.

I know a lot of people who complain about things their parents didn’t do for themselves. It’s the popular thing to profess your own self tragedy, and desperate to get attention for how you have been victimized more then others. I have never been so interested in getting attention for it, preferring to hide it and not talk about it. I saw people complain about things, so trivial, that I just scoffed and kept quiet. Rather then a need for attention, I survived with anger and I would at times vent it at those who complained for any affront lesser then mine. I survived it and live, by god they should to I felt. No point in whining about it, just stop being weak and get up. Perhaps I did it as a way ensuring that I would never have to talk about my problems if no one else could talk about theirs. Whatever the reasons it created a unpleasant environment for anyone around me who ever had need to help, as I spent all my time examining others through myself. Its funny, I had often talked about people doing that in their methods with dealing with others. They have a notorious tendency to believe people can only do or will do what they can or would do. I often felt I didn’t do that, and truth enough I don’t think I do. What I tend to do instead is use myself as the standard of which to judge them by, considering that if they do not conform to what I have endured they are failing in some respect of their understanding of growth as a person. Perhaps it soothed my sense of self, granting me a feeling of a degree of elitism in a world I felt seemed to see other of it.

I don’t really have a reason for writing all this. This journal is all but abandoned and unread, so I don’t put this here for any particular audience. I certainly don’t have the time or ambition to go out and get one. Maybe in some fashion, I think that like Tibetan monks beliefs, that merely by putting it out there it changes something about the world. Maybe on the off chance someone else will read it and think it reminds themselves of themselves, and stop them before making similar mistakes. It’s a difficult thing to see yourself as being flawed, sometimes it takes such great events to awaken yourself to the depth of damage done to you. Its too easy to dismiss mental wounds as being inconsequential because they are not tangible, and can not be quantified. You can not measure them with a ruler, stitch them up with twine, nor tend to them with surgery. The evaluation of such wounds are entirely susceptible to human perception, and are also subject to how they relate to the particular individual. This makes it so hard to determine how much damage has been done, even by the person who has received the wound. It is far easier to think it is less then it is, then to think it is worse. That perhaps is a truest of tragedies, to ponder how many people go through not being healed. I start to question in light of that, what is healthy, is there anyone without wounds due to its subjectivity ? Maybe happiness as described on TV only exists there, in a perfect world where issues are resolved in 30 minutes or less, and people always come around to being healed from the tragedies that might prevent them from having all their hopes and dreams. In the real world perhaps happiness is so much more subjective as well, the trick is not being healthy enough to create more happiness, but to be healthy enough to see it when those few moments come, cherish and savor them, and make sure those with you are able to as well. Or maybe this really is nothing more then self therapy for me to somehow sort out my mind slowly in a series of rambling essays. Que Sera.

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007


Time:12:52 am.
Two of the earliest memories I have from my youth are also the most formative, and spring from talks with my mother. By talks, it should be noted this was not a two way conversation, but her instilling her own cynical wisdom on a child who was little more then a bothersome reminder of a husband she had rid herself of. In a couple of the few private moments she graced me with, she imparted two things which did so much over the years to formulate my perspective, philosophy, and fears. This is not to say there were not other factors that played into the creation, or perhaps destruction of my psyche, but most others were nonverbal. Or at least if verbal, not imparting anything worth noting beyond the damage it inflicted.

The first thing she noted to me was that, I unlike my sisters, was male, which meant I would have to earn my way in life rather that just be able to marry someone rich. They has played so much a part in how I have perceived and crafted what I am to understand of it is to being male. That is to say, it is a tragic existence one spends in toil to a responsibility and fate that is unavoidable. Knowing full well I was certainly a product of poverty, there was no grand fortune, royal relative, or lottery winning that I could count on. I would have to make it in the world on my own, and more importantly, I was going to be entirely on my own in this endeavor was an additional underlining message presented in hissed tones.

The second and just as manipulative verbal dagger wedged to me by her, guided in the worm of wisdom, was that since my talent lie in art, I was doomed to never do well in life, that despite my work, my pursuits would be for naught as I toiled poor and alone. Perhaps she wanted me to end up with a fate she considered similar to my fathers, regardless of that it bore similarities only in the most superficial of senses. Somewhere along this way however the culmination of these things forged a powerful philosophy in my mind, as I determined at a young age that I could avoid fate and not end up destined to poverty. The notion of a male child being successful in life was a role carefully selected and reserved for my brother, advantageous in that he was both the baby of the family, and from a father my mother actually liked. To decide such a thing as a very young child, was to make up my mind to spite my mothers ill curses at my luck, and may well have been what set the stage for my later rebuff of her and her methods for controlling the family. Though that is something I think shares partial tribute to the meager but vital influence of my mostly absent father who’s opinions on free will and thought were only redoubled when dealing with my mother.

In the course of this decision making, my art and talents were and over time did end up being, regulated to mere hobbies in order to make room for more stoic and rational pursuits to ensure I would be comfortable in life, and able to fulfill the roll I was to understand as being a male. As established, my perception was that as a poor male, I was not only doomed to a life of work, but that a woman would most likely marry me so she would not have to. While I never had seen it as a requirement for a woman to not work, and openly and always welcome and encourage women to do so, my expectations were such that if they did not, I would not be considering it as anything wrong even if it was at my expense. Such was the lot in life. To some degrees though, this can be a fair situation, in cases that women are home-mothers, or vice versa in the case of home-fathers, to which they do an equal amount of work to ensure a stable home life. However, my concept of the world was becoming wrapped around an idea that did not focus on that angle, but rather attributed all of its understanding on focusing on what I would need to do.

In the end, my drive became a self absorbed and single minded pursuit to the ends of this goal. Anything that was short of this was only a testament to my failure as a person and my perception of duty. A maddening situation, it become easier over time to couple that feelings of inadequacies with the emotion that had comforted me for so long, had indeed allowed me to survive through my trials, which was that of anger. Anger had served its purpose, I had wielded it as a sword during a dark time in my life, but it becomes difficult to step away from a weapon like that, which is both comforting and remarkably easy to use. The road and challenge to attempt to learn a new technique was such, and remains still such t this day yet, so difficult that to conceive of it was to see mostly failure. Failure in such a realm of self preservation, especially emotionally usually can be quantified in memories of more painful times, and so why ultimately take the risk when the solution is so much easier to continue to use your anger to wedge your path, and carve your world. Anger had solved everything else, why not solve everything with it? I suppose over the years I invented a myriad of reasons and rationales about why my anger was in the best interest to maintain. It powerfully protected those I knew and cared for, which included myself. But such a thing a dual edged blade at best, for it is difficult to apply selectively with how reflective human nature is to use the easy route. Similar to water, it flows the path of least resistance unless it is controlled, contained and guided.

It is not that I never had options or people try to teach me otherwise. The times you need and use are the hardest times to listen to those objections, and sometimes perhaps during those dark moments it is a necessary evil to maintain your survival. That is if you can make the argument that your survival is as important as you think it is. The longer I live and look at the world around me, the more I doubt that statement, and wonder if the struggle to survive is less important that just ensuring an ending that will leave you and those around you peacefully. I can not admit to having done a good job at it if that in the end that is the only thing left for you to truly value.

So, it is a terrible crutch, and it couples dangerously with ambition because of how well the two can work together. I think in retrospect I can admit to having wedged those two together so much that it begun to become how I managed every aspect of my life. While it works well to drive you in competitive environments such as work, it is a terrible method for handling the rest of your life. The confusion is purpose with reason. I understand fully the lack of value associated with material goods, and regularly discuss the subject, issues, and obsessions with modern culture about it. Though in equal parts on the other side of the coin I can just as well see and acknowledge at times just how much we need a certain minimum of these physical aids in order for us to maintain a that completeness we need in the other areas. The purpose of what we do is to gain things, money, success, and so forth, for the reason, which is our happiness and the happiness of our loved ones. The end goal is the perfect moment to which to comfortably pass on from this world feeling satisfied in our own evaluations of our lives. At times however we become too focused on the purpose rather then the reason, and in my case while I thought myself above being so easily tricked into the obsession of material objects, I was tricked by my own agenda into an single minded focus of another degree, which was the need and crave to not fail, to establish a safety for myself and those I cared about. I spent so much time worried about how I wasn’t doing a good enough job at ensuring the future for those I was taking care of that I didn’t stop enough to lower my guard. Perhaps in the end what I am coming to perhaps ponder is that even failing at all that and lacking those things you need to enjoy a comfortable demise is pointless and empty as well. That perhaps you just need to savor that final moment regardless of how it comes to you, because it is going to come regardless. While you can do your best to manipulate the events that will create it, in the end it shouldn’t be done at the expense of those you care for, because it better to not have that comfort but have the satisfaction of those who still care about your passing, then being surrounded with the solitude of accomplishment.

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007


Subject:How far we have come to grow nothing...
Time:8:01 pm.
I find my way back to this particular graveyard of a journal due to a lack of anywhere else to go or talk. Somehow over the course of time since I used to post here, I traversed to all four corners of the U.S., and wound up in Africa. I am not so sure my choices were wise, but that can much be said about all my life thus far.

When I was young, I once argued as the devils advocate against a man about the idea of putting faith in learning from the mistakes of others. I suggested that perhaps it is the person who has made their way with utmost success that should be trust best, vice the person who stumbled their entire time. I now find myself on the edge of 30 looking back a wracked lifetime of mistakes, stumbling, trails of people I have hurt, and so many problems as to only be humbled to bear witness to what I am. The hardest thing I think for people to admit and face is their own villainy. In rare moments, we are graced with the chance to have it confronted with such undeniable force as to present us with that opportunity to have it fully blind us with the truthfulness of its fact.

Not everyone is lucky enough to realize those moments when they come. Some pass them right on by. Others allow such thoughts to persist for a time, and let it little affect them. Some merely take advantage of the situation to only do more. I won’t say I have only had one options, nor that I have been well manner enough to not choose any of the aforementioned choices. Sometimes, we are blinded equally by our justifications and fears, which we allow to use to commit ourselves to a cause of survival. It may simply be emotional, as well as it could be financial or physical. What happens when you reach the precipice of your life, and look out over the valley you have reaped, and realize that perhaps survival is not all its cracked up to be? I used to fear death so much, as much as I sometimes yearned it at moments. I find a peace now in knowing I wish neither, but am calmly willing to accept it when and how it comes, soon or later. It’s a strange feeling, especially in retrospect of knowing that I once never believed I could understand how people can find a comfort in time with such a notion, a serene sort of balance on the subject.

The biggest tragedy I think, is looking around at others and knowing they do not see what you do. This is not to say I do not appreciate or believe in the utmost in humanity. Rather, I believe in a great deal of nobility and intelligence in people despite my own tendency to be misanthropic and antisocial given any stretch of an opportunity. A curious notion I have often mused, and find a degree of frustration to explain that disliking people does not necessitate that I do not admire them. However, this deters from the subject more then it addresses it, which is to say that despite all this that people are graced with, there are those who everyday pass up the chance to do better by those they pass. I know I have, I know I still do. Sometimes I fight against myself, to attempt to do good. I would not venture to say I am able to maintain such a pace for a period as long as I should and frequently fall back into the terrible nature of giving in to the easy nature of self indulgence and self preservation.

Somehow in all my rambling this makes some manner of sense for me to relating to my notions of self analysis and recent regrets. It is a bitter pill to swallow, this humility I spoke of, when you feel you are cultivating this plant, a particular future, path, or whatnot, that will grow and bloom. Instead, at the end of the proceeding you exist only to bear witness to the fact that you alone with the worst poison to that cause, or perhaps the cause itself was the poison?

There are reasons and explanations in all this. I can look back at my life all the way back to my parents and youth and explain how and why I do what I do, and who created me into this thing I am. We breed a new set of orphans, those people who grow up parentless with parents. It is almost a tangible thing this disappointment that clings about the many people in what their parents didn’t, or perhaps didn’t do for them. When did we get so lost from our paths of family that we are taught to war with one another, and set the stage for only future conflicts. We become so dug into our trenches that we protect ourselves more from those closest to us then from our own enemies out of reflexes. In the end, all these explanations culminate to an undeniable confusion that when the day ends it is still us that bears fault for being what we are. I think the only think that outweighs my own guilt for my existence and what I have cost other people, is the guilt of not knowing how or if I can ever fix it, or if anyone can. Perhaps I have come full circle to be the victimizer where once I was the victim, and this is what happens to many others of us? Offenses being a good defense, we would sooner crucify the world then let ourselves be the first to bleed. Stubbornness is a religion now, and a demanding one at that. In the end the price perhaps is having to face yourself, and in light of this knowledge I suddenly find myself questioning if it would not have better to allow myself to be wounded more in life ? In the end, what purpose truly tangibly exists other then being able to leave it all content, and with the grace and comfort of having made a friend in the world to comfort that passing.

In this respect I have failed thus far in my years, and wonder if I am young enough yet to stop the latter half of my life from being so equally wasted. But similar to knowing why you become what you did and not knowing how to change it, it is equally difficult to then know what you need to do, but not be sure how to do it.

Sunday, May 21st, 2006

(1 spill | overflows)

Subject:Sometimes, when you win, you loose...
Time:4:51 pm.

Saturday, October 18th, 2003


Subject:Agnostically agnostic
Time:11:58 am.
I find the new applications of old words by some of the modern counter culture (in particular, that of the online communities) mildly disturbing. Where once geek referred to someone obsessed in pages of code in VI, hacking your kernel, conversing freely in ANSI sequences or binary, nowadays it seems to be applied to any Dick and Jane who is entrenched in esoteric cultural nonsense. gone is the day when one had to know obscure references to algebraic formulas, now they need only speak a few words in klingon, or make some off hand reference to some imaginary component, or details of equally obscure empty trivia.

Trip on over to the next little societal trend, to run around screaming one is agnostic. I think people were getting bored of claiming false bisexuality, or clinging to phony wiccanism, so they needed hot new trends to use to describe how unique they all were. Together. It’s like an epidemic. Now, granted while I have nothing against the aforementioned philosophies, or subjects, what I do dislike is the bandwagon mentality great deals of people have about them. For those who are agnostic, and have centered themselves, with a great deal of thought on the subject, respect and admiration are their due. However, there are the others, who play agnostic because of the neutral grayness it allows them to be a non-offensive diet-anything religion, so they can better hob nob with members of the desired sex, or social groups.

Admitingly, perhaps I am being overly cynical.

Saturday, October 4th, 2003


Time:12:57 pm.
"You should reach the limits of virtue
before you cross the border of death"

Tyrtaeus of Sparta
c.630 BC


Subject:Man's Lessons
Time:12:55 pm.
"Experience and suffering
are the mother of wisdom."

Alcman of Sparta
c.625 B.C.


Subject:Molòn lábe!
Time:12:47 pm.
"It is not just that the human spirit reacts directly and beyond all argument to a story of sacrifice and courage, as a wine glass must vibrate to the sound of a violin. It is also because, way back and at the hundredth remove, that company stood right in the line of history. A little of Leonidas lies in the fact that I can go where I like and write what I like. He contributed to set us free."
-William Golding

'Go, stranger, and to the Spartans tell
That here, obedient to their word, we fell.'

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003


Subject:'Act One', 1989
Time:9:02 pm.
In the beginning ARPA created the ARPANET.
And the ARPANET was without form and void.
And darkness was upon the deep.
And the spirit of ARPA moved upon the face of the network,
And ARPA said, 'Let there be a protocol,' and there was a protocol.
And ARPA saw that it was good.
And ARPA said, 'Let there be more protocols,' and it was so.
And ARPA saw that it was good.
And ARPA said, 'Let there be more networks,' and it was so.
-Danny Cohen

Sunday, March 23rd, 2003


Subject:"Liberty or Death!"
Time:3:21 pm.

Founding Fathers information

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history and naval architecture, navigation, commerce and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."

John Adams, letter to Abigail Adams, 1780


Subject:Some common practices of Iraq for handling prisoners.
Time:1:12 pm.
Information from a report based on
• Iraqi exiles
• UN Reporters
• Human Rights Organizations
• Amnesty International
• Human Rights Watch

Extreme use of torture on innocent civilians.
Mutilations including shooting of fingers, toes, and arms, at point blank range, or shooting people from a distance while suspending them with the inability to move.
Usage of things to burn parts of the person’s body.
Usage of person’s own children as witnesses to the “interrogation” of prisoners.
Suspension, and tearing of joint ligaments and tendons.
Food and water depravation.
Severe beatings, usually about twice a day.
Extended and prolonged use of these measures’s ranging in weeks and months (perhaps more)
Release and repeat of these forms on the same persons as a form of mental manipulation.
Beheading, often of women “suspected” of prostitution. This is performed with swords in front of the families’ homes traditionally.
Rape. Performed regularly.
Breaking of limbs.
Insertion of objects into the rectum.
Extraction of finger and toenails.
Mock executions.
Keeping of prisoners retrained inside steel caskets, for death, until they confess.
No use of Due Process.
No return of the bodies to the families.
Families are charged for the use of bullets, etc, for the killing and torture of the family member.
Mass executions.
Racial executions.
Mass killing by military of peaceful protestors against the will of the government. Followed by mass arrests, torture and executions of persons involved with the peaceful protests.

Friday, March 21st, 2003


Subject:The who, what, whys and hows of all this.
Time:3:16 pm.
Lately, I have made a shift in my journal, posting instead of artistic endeavors, posting more political thoughts, and responses to people. None of what I am posting is to glorify or play an attention hound. In the length of time I have kept this journal, I have added very few and select people to my journal, at very rare occasions.

The purpose, and the reason for my posting my responses to other people, and my own thoughts, is to publicly hang myself to speak. I am not looking to make a public record of all accounts, and evidence in order to prove points, but rather to let what I write, not the responses, be publicly let out to hang. Since this is a personal journal, not an open forum, I only post my own responses and thoughts so as to keep this being just a record of my own thoughts, actions, and speaking. Others, who feel they need a record of both, can keep such. Whatever changes or shifts politically, or morally I go through, anyone can openly read, without hiding entries, what I discuss, and what I think, and hold me to such statements. In doing so though, I admit that I, being human, will by hypocritical at moments, will be littler with irony, and will sometimes shift, change, and evolve my opinions, thoughts, and feelings on varieties of matters, and may change any of them as I learn, and grow.

In the end, this is little more then historical nostalgia for myself.

(1 spill | overflows)

Subject:Education, not Anarchy!
Time:2:25 pm.
"A popular government, without popular information, or the means of acquiring it, is but a Prologue to a Farce or a Tragedy - or perhaps both. Knowledge will forever govern ignorance, and a people who mean to be their own Governors must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives."

- James Madison


Subject:Shame on the shameful.
Time:1:22 pm.
I am behind protests as a form of expressional, and demonstrations such as the old aids with ACT UP protests, but the peace protests have been shameful.

This has nothing to do with their opinion, the opinion is fine, even if I disagree, but the actions of how these protests of late handled things have been a nothing short of shameful for anyone that is supportive of those opinions, and protesting.

Police horses pulled to the ground, and beaten, with thrown or hit objects.

Police people attacked with bats, and items.

Businesses and cars vandalized. These are not nameless corporations; these are small local businesses, owned by your neighbors, being destroyed. These are people’s cars, some who rely on these cars for safety, and livelihood.

People drug from their own cars while the cars where stalled by the crowds. This was unbelievable to me, and revolting!

Major highways and streets blocked, normal innocent people trapped from their families, from hospitals, from help, or assistance. People trying to get to hospitals for loved ones, people trying to protect their children, people trying to just get away.

Projecting images of fear. Rather then projecting a cause of peace, for peace, to convince others, and explain and understand and teach others the importance of the cause, it was nothing more then a projection of fear, a threat of a riot and violence to terrify people.

Recorded Deaths! Someone actually died as a result of the riots. This is against the precepts of peace, and as a humanitarian, as someone normally willing to be understanding of protests, this is nothing but shameful, and I don't know how anyone involved can be anything but ashamed of themselves and their brethren over this.

I do not think those against war are shameful, and many people that did protest I agree are mostly innocent, but, everyone involved with the rallies share the weight and burden of the actions of their brethren.

Saturday, February 8th, 2003

(3 spills | overflows)

Time:5:17 am.
An odd mood prevalent tonight it would seem. After a bit of breif coding, I find myself tinkering with my server I wrote once again. I really do need to finish writting it. So much to go, so much to do.

Checklist (more immidate) (for the server, not other projects):
Write the client objects
Write the secondary server
Write the other pipelines for the child processes
Write more adaptable method for interfacing with the SQLserver from the perl server.
Write the basic navigation and controls
Write help documentation.

Tuesday, February 4th, 2003


Subject:My previous post...
Time:5:27 pm.
Ok, so I’ve calmed down, and I feel bad now. My last post was a bit of a rant, and definitely angry. I had spent all day listening to the AM radio, some nine hours at that point. It seems there is this movement of propaganda behind these notions created by various professors (none of them in science fields so far that I have seen), politicians, and magazines, with a legion of people untrained in the sciences just trusting in this stuff. The blind leading the blind After a full day of hearing these people while about this stuff, I got to a point of distaste that I suppose generated itself unhealthily on my journal.

So, my opinion still stands, though I am apologetic for my extreme harshness and rudeness is expressing it to anyone who might be offended by it.

Ps. maybe we could make mechanical robots instead of electronic, and wind them up like Babes in Toyland with a big key! Then when the flying space monkey aliens come to take our women, they can stick them in the butts with their bayonets!

Monday, February 3rd, 2003

(2 spills | overflows)

Subject:The Shuttle
Time:11:43 pm.
I've so hard heard a lot of some of the most stupid mindless dribble that passes for supposed "thinking" in a long time of late relating to this. The radio, and news of late has been filled with these nimrods, to put it bluntly. Mainly, the opinions of people that we should (a) use robots on space missions not people so as to preserve life, (b) not be wasting money and time on space programs because they are useless, and (c) that these people were not heroes, and the task of going to space is not heroic. Not to be condescending, as if you go through my journal, I have attempted to remain very level headed with regards approaching debatable issues, but this reaction is just low, and ignorant. Let me break this down.

First off, I understand a lot of people out there are lamens when it comes to the sciences, and in particular computers, and robotics. The NASA program uses what’s called 80386s and 80486s for their processors. This is very old school, and probably before a lot of these ignoramuses that spout this horse shit nonesense even touched a computer. To break it down, they where CISC processors that ran at 25 megahertz. If you overclocked them you could squeeze out 50 megahertz. To put that in perspective, the modern Pentium class from Intel that you have in your computer, the same pioneer of the 80486, runs at 2000+ megahertz. This does not include the possibility for overclocking, and the advent of faster pipelines on the motherboard, increased ram capabilities, better instruction sets, and so on, so forth. Why then do they use outdated architecture? The reason is, the solar winds, and cosmic interference is great in outer orbit. Faster processors achieve such by using smaller transistors. The smaller the transistor, the greater the susceptibility to electromagnetic interference. When you are dealing with billions on billions of vital calculations, all broken down into 8 individuals bits in bytes (e.g.: 00101101 = 45 [assuming you are not using debian binary, I believe it was called. long outdated now]) there is a great amount of importance placed on these values being correct. To the degree of errors that might arise from the interference, would be unacceptable in a normal no risk environment work place, let alone in a high-risk environment, such as the precarious environment of outer orbit.

How then does this apply to robots replacing humans? Ok, imagine trying to construct a robot that is able to manage and replace a fully functioning, adaptable, and independent minded human, on 25 megahertz of processing power. I run virtual reality, and crude AI simulations on a 100-megahertz Pentium 1 class Linux box, and that drags when I'm running something that is made of tens of thousands of lines of code. To put things in perspective, Linux the OS, is about 5 million lines of code, and the currect iterrations of the Windows OS is tens of millions of lines of code (I can not remember if they have broken 100 million lines yet.). For greater tasks, I have to migrate it on my network to a dual processor machine of considerable greater, more modern strength. And this is for mere prototype testing of private research, and hobbies, as oppossed hundreds of millions of lines of code. Now, on one hand you could argue that the robot could be designed to only do a similar task, and just do it slowly. If this were a feasible option, high-risk chemical and nuclear research would already be replaced with machines and robots here on earth, rather then humans. The reaction speeds of modern robots are not capable of being able to handle such tasks. Then there is the advent of having so primitive an intelligence means that they would not be able to adapt to a situation if something went wrong. What if due to interference, or external unforeseen problems caused an experiment to go awry, or be mismanaged by said robot. The robot wont be able to adapt properly, or correct the situation. The Sony Aibos are a good example of modern robots, displaying the AI comparable to a maybe a dashing two or three your old. Some of the better AI's have a few years on then in intellectual capabilities, and intendment adaptation. What about remote control then? The interference, and speeds exemplified by the pitiful attempts for Dish styled networking is a great example (for those of you who have had to troubleshoot that with people). For those of you that use Dish, or other satellite based networking, for TV or Internet, will know of the problems, such as the TV connection having temporarily static, due to interference. Even more simple 802.11 networks ranging such mighty distances as a block, are sketchy. This is even more so tricky with direction long range networking to a robot on a mobile spacecraft outside orbit, even utilizing the satellite as a bridge. What about the mars robots thought, right? The Mars project robots are different for two reasons. One, they are being used on a planet, not in space, and thus less susceptible to interferance common of outer orbit. Two, they are doing specific collection and reconnaissance projects, not complex physics and chemistry projects. Oh, and then there is of course, the biological studies, requiring studies of affects on the human body of cancers, chemicals, etc, which cant be simulated on robots. So, for all of you technically ill formed, who buy into nonsensical propaganda about robots in space, you are nothing short of pitiful.

Now, as for NASA and space research being a waste of money. Our weather report is a product of NASA research. So is your Cell phone. And the satellites we use for your DISH networks, your mobile Satellite internet connections, your CNN and Cable TV updates, Cancer research, a great deal of physics studies, and practical exploration of the universe, both here and above. Also, the satellites we use for home security and safety of the nation. Many metals, and design information used for are sciences of the larger planes you fly on. Honestly, the list goes on, and on. A great deal of innovations is directly related, and can be attributed to the NASA program. Not to mention, it is an important direction, as far as it being the future direction of both mankind, and science. So if you don’t like NASA research, then you hypocritical money hounds should revoke, and reject all things science has given you lamens in the first place.

Lastly, these people that go into space are not random personal picked up off the street. NASA doesn’t take out help wanted adds in the Sunday paper. These are people at the top of their class, people who were heroes of the military, trained and intelligent in various areas, such as sciences, chemistry, physics, and so on. They are at the height of their career, and stepping onboard a place strapped to thousands of tons of Borromin, and other combustible materials, in a field plagued by danger far more then most, to attempt to peruse science in the effort to improve life, and find answers, and discover new things, in the same passion Columbus, or the Vikings discovered America, or the same way that medical cures have been historically been found, such as potential risk to exposure (or purposeful exposure) to diseases so as to better monitor and solve ways to cure them. This drive to pursue the achievement of Man and Science, even in the face of danger, and in this case death almost certainly if things go awry, in a hostile environment, is heroic (Anyone who does not consider breaching and returning the heated atmosphere by way of thousands of tons of explosives, to explore a hazardous vacuum needs to reconsider their perceptions of hostile.) So, established that they are in fact heroic, this also is in part why we mourn them more then say, the four soldiers that died in Afghanistan last week, or the thousands that die everyday from various accidents, and crime. Their risky contribution to mankind as a whole, and the importance of what they represent as achievement of the human race, and science is paramount, and their achievement as men and women, individuals at the height of their lives, and careers, who willingly risk it all to ante it up further, nothing short of admirable, and honorable, in the way many of us can only strive to hope to be.

Personally, I feel strongly about this, and the ignorance displayed by the people about this subject, is ignorant propaganda. Thos who think or doubt for one moment the value and risk of the space program in my mind go beyond merely a lack of morality and sense of decency, but also turn their backs on logic, and science to such a degree, they have no right to dare seek to cling, hide, or use such things without a sense of hypocrisy and guilt looming over their fool hearted heads. Obviously, It would seem if some can not make educated decisions for themselves, they need to step aside and leave the sciences to the scientists, and return their to nonsensical television, and media hype, and stop wasting valuable time of people hoping to do something with their lives.

Tuesday, January 28th, 2003

(1 spill | overflows)

Subject:Four years in the making
Time:9:11 pm.
We are married

Tuesday, January 7th, 2003

(1 spill | overflows)

Subject:Oij (Originally posted December 17th, 2001, for those of you who dont read my journal anyways.)
Time:9:30 am.

LiveJournal for Beauty in Simplicity : En-passant.

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